the beauty on the backside of marital disagreement

David (my husband) and I recently had a disagreement that seemed to escalate fast.

It was compounded with the fact that there were some unvoiced, unmet expectations on both sides coupled with exhaustion from the late hour of the night. We were both in violation of one of the recommendations from our premarital counseling. I remember him clearly encouraging us to avoid any serious conversations past 10 pm.

Obviously, we did not heed that advice.

In the end, we were exhausted and frustrated for our exchange of words and that we had squandered precious and rare time together.

The Next Morning

I am not sure how you bounce back after a disagreement, but it can weigh heavy on my heart. The next morning as I reflected on the evening, my thought was “man, the enemy sure did win in our house last night.”

I was filled with remorse and the feeling of defeat as I hung my head. In marriage it seems there are periods that all is well and in that sweet place of unity, looking out for the good of the other above self, mutual encouragement and appreciation, and then out of nowhere, the rug is pulled out from under you over the silliest misunderstanding or unmet expectation. I was left wondering “How in the world did we get here?”

But God…

But then my mind began to wander on the good that has happened on the “backside” of this.

There was growth and new insight as a result. I learned that my words really matter and are valued more than I realized by my husband.

He reinforced to me that he needs my encouragement. I recognized opportunities that would have benefited from silence rather than words.

I was reminded of Paul’s exhortation to the Romans: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (ESV, Romans 8:28)

While the enemy may have been the great orchestrator of our disagreement, God still was sovereign on His throne, reigning as King, over me, my husband and our world.

I can stand on His promise that even in the ugly and discouraging moments of life He will work good.

The Lord was opening my eyes to see this good. How grateful I am!

I slowly witnessed Him take the regret of the previous night and allow me to focus on the lessons learned. The enemy would love nothing more than for us to just be stuck in the first part; the guilt, the shame, the “weight” of it all.

I think of that lofty challenge in Proverbs 31:12. “She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” 

All the days, Lord?

Are you sure about that?

I might be able to follow this principle some days, maybe stretch to follow it more days than not, but ALL days?

Seems rather impossible, right? It sure does to me.

My heart longs to rest in this teaching, but recognizing who I am quickly catches up to reality.

So what can my heart rest in?

The beauty of the Gospel.

It takes these hard but beautiful words and reminds us that this work cannot come on our own.

The Gospel in Our Day to Day

I cannot get past the slow and steady work of transformation the Gospel brings.

When we cry out to the Lord to rescue our marriage, our parenting, our frustrations of daily life, He meets us there.

He does that often unnoticeable work in our hearts in the day to day. You may not even be able to recognize it, but over time, those days add up to weeks and those weeks add up to months, and it happens. One day, when you are faced with an opportunity to lash out or voice your frustration, you choose otherwise.

It almost catches you off guard….you wonder “where did that come from?” How does this occur? It is His transformational work, the work of the gospel, permeating our being and bearing the fruit of the Spirit! But this does not happen simply through wishing or willing but through immersion in the Scripture and the surrendering of ourselves over and over to His will through prayer.

Dear sister, this is my greatest longing and passion. That we will be able to grasp the deep desire of our Lord to walk with Him. A desire that is born not of our own will but out of His deep love for us. I long for you to know that Christianity can be so much more than a “I go to church on Sunday. I do this, but I don’t do this” kind of thing. The King of our Universe longs to know you, to love you, and to walk this day with you. He does not need our company; Oh, but He loves it so! 

“For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:6-8)

His Hope Becomes Ours!

This love, His love, enables us to lift our head on the backside of these hard days. The world would offer sympathy but without hope. We have hope, and we have full assurance that even in the very hard times of life, He is doing a good work. Not only a good work, but an inconceivably better one than we would ever imagine! 

“But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”- these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit.” (I Corinthians 2:9-10a)

This is not prosperity gospel. This is taking God at His word. We should not use God to seek after the rewards of life. We should just seek after Him. In His Fatherly love, He longs to pour out His good gifts upon His children. 

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” (James 1:17)

May we continue to press into Him all the more, asking Him to allow us to see the beauty in the hard or disappointing times in our lives. May that be where we allow our eyes to rest. I am praying this over myself and each of you reading this. May we allow Him to be our transformer! He is able and willing. May we take Him at His word to do this. Blessings to you as we practice these truths!

**Our hope and goal in sharing our real life, even the harder and areas that might not be spoken of much is to encourage and bring you the hope that He (God) extends to us. We want you to glimpse that we are so much like you, we struggle and disagree at times. The Lord continues to kindly and graciously open our eyes on areas of improvement in our relationship.  I want to let you know that each of my writings, David reads and we move forth together on if we feel the Lord leading us in this direction to share more publicly.  I want to be very aware of never betraying any trusts or confidences in our marriage….this was just weighing on my heart and wanted to share this with you all.  Thank you all.  May the Lord bless each one of you as we seek to follow Him all the more.