what is my unsaid, saying?
Have you ever stopped to contemplate the power of the unsaid?
Our unsaid words can have an even greater impact at times than those words that are uttered. This had not crossed my mind until a few months ago…
It is Easy to See Around Us
Several months ago our family ran in a race. I vividly remember it was a rainy, dreary day. When we finished, we were exhausted, soaked and cold. This seem to leave the kids and I in a trance as we sat down and ate our post-race lunch. There was not much conversation going on.
I observed something that day that left a huge impression on me. I watched a race-fatigued husband reunite with his wife and share some news he was obviously very excited about. His smile and animation grew as his story unfolded. I could not hear his words, but his contagious excitement made me smile as I could recall sharing similar stories with my husband, David.
As he continued to share, it became apparent his wife was not returning his enthusiasm. When he was done talking, she began to remind him about him being gone all morning. She rattled off a list of tasks that still needed to be accomplished as well as trying to determine how her daughter was going to get to a birthday party that afternoon. You could almost visibly see the weight her words left upon him.
Later that afternoon, we met another couple. David ran some with the husband during the race, and he introduced us to his wife. He gave her some background on the various topics he and David talked about, but one could see she was not interested. His enthusiasm grew, and hers lessened. He caught her “drift” and you could see how her unspoked words influenced his demeanor.
So, why these stories?
Perhaps you have seen similar situations play out like this many times over.
No big deal, right?
Or is it?
For the first time that day I caught a glimpse of the power our unsaid words hold.
What I Saw
I also saw myself in both of these scenarios.
I was no different than either of those women.
I have done very similar things to my husband, numerous times.
Whether my eyes were solely focused on myself, schedule or my timeline, I was unable to perceive the wounding of his heart my lack of interest conveyed. I was unaware of the subtleties my body language can communicate. At times, my crossed arms, hands on my hips, or uninterested look on my face can speak more volumes than my words could ever counter.
I witnessed almost a physical burden or weight being placed upon these husbands in their wives’ response, or lack of response, respectively.
I was thankful to observe these encounters from afar.
It can be very easy to be blind to our own faults and struggles.
It can be easy to recognize the faults of others…so easy!
Scripture Speaks to This
Jesus warns us of this in Matthew 7:3-5 ESV “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”
The Lord has designed marriage to be a beautiful picture to the world around us, of His love for His church, for us! His desire is that as those around us see the deep communion and relationship we possess, empowered only by the Holy Spirit, unbelievers would begin to ask questions.
Ultimately the goal is the opportunity to share the gospel, knowing that in and of ourselves, maintaining a marriage relationship would not be possible, much less one where there is deep enjoyment. We are to point them to the One who makes the impossible, possible.
“For nothing will be impossible with God.” (Luke 1:37)
Other Relationships Are Affected
Our marriages are not the only places where we see the “unsaid” powerfully influencing our relationships.
What about our friendships?
Our children?
How many times have I listened to my children with my hands on my hips, just waiting for them to catch a breath, so I can interject my opinion?
Lately, our girls have even asked “Mommy, will you wait and hear me out before you start talking?” Ouch!
“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.” (Prov 4:23)
My posture and facial expressions can speak enough for my children to glimpse the condition of my heart.
If I Have Not Love
The simple truth of I Cor 13:1-3 “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.”
I can translate this verse easily to fit my life.
If I volunteer at school, spend time baking fun treats together, plan to go do something they are interested in, teach their class at church…the list can go on and on.
I can do every single one of these “good things” that I think should speak so loudly of my love for them. If I do them yet do not show them the simple act of love that Paul speaks of in 1 Corinthians than all the other is as nothing.
It might as well not be done!
That is some harsh truth to swallow!
So what should our love look like? What defines Biblical love? I love how the Scriptures give us clear instruction on what it should look like.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”
(1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
The Doing Versus the Being
What would be on your list?
Have you noticed the subtle exchange in your own life of “doing” for those you love instead of emulating a 1 Corinthians 13 love in being present to listen and being engaged in their world, their excitement?
Are you a part of what they truly love and enjoy rather than what you “think” they should love or enjoy? I am guilty of this.
I would be the first to admit my “unsaid” leaves much room for improvement, actually more like a Father-directed makeover!
I am grateful He is in the business of doing so!
I am grateful we serve a God who can redeem our mistakes, our “mis-loves.” In the process, He is glorified and He is made great!
I stumbled upon a great verse this week, and wanted to pass it along to you.
“For the Lord takes delight in His people; He crowns the humble with victory.” (Ps. 149:4)
I believe when we are at the point when we realize our deep need of Him to be remade and transformed, He ushers us into that desired state of humility.
What does He do in our humility? He gives us victory, in this instance, the ability to perceive Him at work, changing our hearts enabling us to love as He desires – that 1 Corinthians 13 kind of way!
There Is Hope!
Where do we start? Do you recognize this may be something you deal with in your life? I sure do!
I believe we start where we should start with any struggle or sin in our life.
We confess.
Until we offer our confession and repentance to Him, there will be no lasting change in our own life, and no restoration of our broken relationship with Him that sin causes.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me,and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Ps 139: 23-24)
We ask Him to remake us.
Take heart, our God, He loves each of us deeply! We are His adopted sons and daughters! “
And I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.” (2 Cor 6:18)
He is not going to do a work of conviction in our hearts to leave us full of guilt and shame! Absolutely not!
There is much beauty in His conviction….He sees the potential of our life hidden in Him, in a Phil 1:6 kind of way. He sees what He has planned for us, the fullness of life as we seek Him out, allowing Him to do His work of being a “new creation in Him” (2 Cor 5:17)
Even When You Fail…
We don’t give up when we fail!
We recognize we are sinners, and perfection in this life will allude us until we reach eternity.
We fall wholly upon the grace that Jesus offers to us; it is only upon that grace that any of us can stand.
I remember listening to various sermons from Matt Chandler (lead pastor at The Village Church in Flower Mound, Texas) in which he reminds us that it is not our failures that define us, but rather what we do after we fail.
Do we allow the enemy to fill our mind with thoughts that “we are no good” or “it is no use to keep trying”?
Or do we get back up, allowing our failure to press us more into Him, to see the opportunity to breathe in and out His grace?
Too Much Is At Stake To Ignore
This is one of the many areas I am praying over. Asking the Lord to increase my awareness of my non-verbal communication. I must realize that my actions are an overflow of my heart. Back to the heart issue…doesn’t it seem like so much of our life stems from the condition of our heart?
Will you join with me in this? Can we experience the freedom that comes as we confess our weaknesses to each other and come together asking for the Lord to transform us in this area? Our spouse, children and friends will be greatly impacted from this, as they experience the love of 1 Corinthians 13.
Blessings to each of you as we consider the value that lies in our “unsaid”.
